From Sober Hel Ya Dallas
/Hi again for Dallas! You do NOT have to read this!! I just was inspired by your podcast and laughed out loud. It’s not an organized email and mainly just a journal entry for myself. You did say to email you though! HA.
I can’t be a cucumber again. Thank you for saying that on the podcast today! And thank you for all the reminders to feel grateful and not have pity parties. So, I feel so weird emailing you again, but I am really new and alone on this journey of mine. I am sitting writing this after I went on a short walk as I cooked dinner and my husband came home from work and poured himself a drink. He was frustrated because he had traveled back from Austin and didn’t have enough time in the airport to have a drink AND then because it’s such a short flight Southwest didn’t serve. Ha!
So, I put in my earbuds and went on a walk and listened to your pity party podcast. I love how you bring up the Ukraine situation because it really really really does put everything we are all dealing with in USA seem small and in different perspective! I use that every day too…especially with all of these serious tennis girls in Dallas who I play with who are getting every kind of injectable in their bodies and worried about which pinot noir or sav blanc they are going to drink next after we finish playing!
I digress. I am writing because I do feel like your podcast of the self-pity party today really really hit home with me because for the last 17 days of my early sobriety I actually have a different perspective from the last time I white knuckled 106 days sober last year. Let me be clear when I started last year on July 1st…. I just wanted to do a “break” and my therapist told me about Rachel Hart who is a San Fran drinking coach who teaches moderation or how to evaluate your drinking. No one in my life had even questioned the role of alcohol or drinking in our lives. I work out religiously…play tennis, golf, go to bar method. And not a single soul ever said…I am going to get sober. Or said, maybe this alcohol is not serving us. Or just even questioned how much anyone drinks. So, image when I did dry July the emotions and reactions I got from my girlfriends! My California girlfriend embarrassed the hell out of me in front of everyone and asked me if I was Canadian because who gives up drinking in JULY. So, I went underground. I spent a lot of time by myself and I discovered recovery podcasts and quit lit. And then I couldn’t unknow what I now knew.
Then my tennis team got to me on the 106th days., and I introduced wine back into my life. At first it was slow. Moderation. Ha. By the time it was mid-February I was drinking a bottle or bottle and a half a day. Then would take a few days off…or I would say EFF it and just drink every day for a week. I got used to living with a hang over again. The anxiety, The loathing of myself. The skin care goes by the way side. I fell asleep in my clothes. HATE THAT. I would wake up wondering if our dogs were fed. The doors were locked. Etc. Etc.
Then I saw a picture of myself when I was on my 105th day of being sober. HOLY MOLY. My eyes glowed white. Not the blood shot ones that I try to hide with the whitening eye drops every morning. My skin was glowing. Dewy. Hydrated. My smile was HUGE (probably because my dentist had given me an A+++ and said he didn’t know what I was doing by he had never seen teeth in 6 month that had such little plaque on them! - just another benefit of being sober).
Long story short…this time when I quit 17 days ago…I approached it with a sense of calm. And of course, I am like a Type A child…and I printed out a 100 day to break a habit chart. I have taped it to my bathroom mirror and at the end of each day I cross of the day. So, I haven’t had many questions yet from my girlfriend because I have been dodging happy hours and staying after tennis and golf…but I am ready with the “I am doing another 100-day challenge of no alcohol!” Excuse. Knowing like you said today…I am a pickle. I can’t be a cucumber again. My dad stopped drinking when it became a problem in his forties. He is 81 now and looks amazing. Truly. And other than his poor hearing…which I know is so common for all men his age…he is as sharp as a tack and walks his 10, 000 steps a day! And I have printed out a picture of him because I want a reminder of playing it forward and seeing what we do today can help our future selves.
Again, thanks for reading or not. I did re4ad a quote which I loved….”Change is never painful, only the resistance to change is painful.” - Buddha. Like you said, change and becoming sober is a change in mindset. I am working on growth mindset. Not a fixed, half glass empty mindset. But a chance to have another “first” in life. Isn’t that exciting? I don’t know sober Helen. But as she shows up every day and I get to know her…I do love her….and can’t wait to keep being inspired and encouraged by YOU. Thank you again.
Have a great week!